San Miguel de Allende applied September 22, 2006 to the UNESCO’s World Heritage to be designated as a World Heritage Site but it is still pending.

One of the mission statements of UNESCO’s World Heritage is to encourage participation of the local population in the preservation of their cultural and natural heritage.

The World Heritage has a scoring system by expert panelists on sites.

Guide to the Scores:

0-25: Catastrophic: all criteria very negative, outlook grim.

26-45: In serious trouble.

46-65: In moderate trouble: all criteria medium-negative or a mix of negatives and positives.

66-85: Minor difficulties.

86-95: Authentic, unspoiled, and likely to remain so.

96-100: Enhanced.

Most residents of San Miguel wants a score of 86-95

The problem, however, with Preservation is determining what is and what is not to be preserved.  These are acceptable colors in San Miguel.

It is easy to set standards for buildings and monuments and physical characteristics but it becomes tricky when it comes to people. Some people simply are not worth preserving but once that determination is made how do you get rid of them. Enter the Gangs. One of the early mission statements of the Gangs of San Miguel was to maintain the preservation of the right kind of people in San Miguel - the artists, the rich, the eccentric, the collectors and the Democrats. Daily they search the Jardin on their mission to preserve and convince those found unsuitable to move. Tourists, found acceptable, are given a yearly renewable Return to San Miguel Card. Those who fail to meet the standard are given a list of other places in Mexico to live.

These Tourist were told that they would be happier in Ajijic and are preparing to go there. The Canadian Flag on the backpack was the reason they were found unsuitable.

So expats living in the rest of Mexico are rather bitter about their fall from grace and banishment from Eden. They do not speak kindly of San Miguel and have formed a single Gang called the I Wouldn’t Want to Live There Gang (there being SMA) whose sole purpose is to find fault with San Miguel.

This is not to imply that residents of San Miguel don’t feel a bit inferior. Three sites in Mexico have already been designated - Guanajuato with a score of 79 and Oaxaca and Monte Albán with a score 69 and Sian Ka’an and environs with a score of 58 but most Gang members dismiss them as too Mexican.

Gangs recognize as part of the psyche of individual who uproot themselves to a foreign land is that they want foreign experiences. So almost all Gangs in San Miguel have a requirement that a gang member must make at least one Mexican Friend. It is better if you can start a collection of Mexican Friends and develop a repetoire of Mexican Friend stories.  It is those stories about interacting with local culture that confirm you are someone to know.

The term Mexican Friend is like Don and Dona in Spanish or Mr., Mrs., and Ms. in English but genderless.   It would be used in a sentence such as  “Oh but my Mexican Friend Maria told me yesterday”. These Mexican Friends are now the proof to those back home that you are living in a foreign country and have changed.

The payback from having Mexican Friends is almost immediate. The first warm and fuzzy comes with the first invitation to the maid’s brother-in-law’s kid’s baptism, or the gardener’s granddaughter’s baby shower. Attending with a gift, results in the first of hundreds of stories to tell in the Jardin or more importantly to friends still living in your native land.  Non gang members in the Jardin with no Mexican Friends are in awe of anyone who “Really knows about this place”.

The second warm and fuzzy comes when your Mexican Friend or neighbor (referred to as My Mexican Neighbors or My Poor Mexican Neighbours) knocks at your door with gift of a plate of tortillas - more stories for the Jardin.

The last and most important warm and fuzzy comes from being asked to be madrino or padrino by your new Mexican Friends that you have only known for 5 days. Now you are part of their family and near the top of the ladder of those who have become part of the community.

But not is all that it seems. Mexicans view expats like a reverse bank. For a small investment such as a plate of tortillas or asking them to be a madrino or padrino they can expect a big return in terms of overgifting and $. It is a Win Win situation for all - money for Mexicans and Mexican Friend for expats.

Thanks to Jennifer Rose for the concept and details on this Gang Activity that seems to exist outside of San Miguel

San Miguel would be truly Heaven if everyone spoke English. Then it would be like living in the US or Canada but on cobblestone streets and having help. Gangs understand the frustration faced by new members who can’t be understood but tell them soon Gangs members will outnumber the Mexicans in town in five years and be able force them to take speak English. In the meantime some members of the Doing Good Works Gang are doing their part to make San Miguel unilingual by teaching locals how to speak English.

As gap to bridge the time until English is the official language of San Miguel Gang members receive a small manual of Spanish expressions to guide them in San Miguel. It is produced in its entirety below.

MINIMAL SPANISH FOR GANGS

Gracias - means thank you. When ever someone says something to you in Spanish simply smile and reply Gracias and quickly walk away.

Si and No - Si is Yes and No is No. Depending on your mood that day, you can go through most of your day responding Si or No to anything asked you in Spanish but remember to say Gracias before you walk away.

Cuanto Cuesta plus a handheld calculator - When you find stuff you want to buy, say Cuanto cuesta and hand them your calculator. They will type in a number indicating the price of the item. But remember prices aren’t fixed in San MIguel (except for Art and Warren Hardy Language Classes) so be prepared to spend at least two more hours passing the calculator back and forth until you get that “Special Price”.

Banos - means toilets. If nature calls simply say the word banos and have a pained look on your face. Failing that go into any expensive hotel where the restrooms say Men and Women. However if the doors don’t have pictures of men and women on them but only Spanish words then I you are in for an adventure. M sometimes is where women go. But as many a gang mama has found, in San Miguel, using the wrong washroom can work to your advantage. If you are a cowboy then use this sign to guide you to cowboy things.

Finger Pointing - Just point at what you want and use your fingers or hand held calculator to tell them how many.

What to do if a Restaurant doesn’t have an English menu. This is a sign that tells you that the food won’t be like home so leave quickly but don’t forget to say in a loud voice as you go out the door “They aren’t going to get much business with that attitude.” Just so they know who runs San Miguel.

Where do they speak English

1. All Real Estate Agents speak English. If you want a guide for the day, pretend you just arrived in town and want to buy a house. Ask the agent to show you around town so you have a sense of what is there. Then ask him or her to take you to some good shops and when you are there have them help buy a few things but say they are for your house. You might have to look at houses but always say after seing it “Too small.”
2. All staff in Art galleries speak English. So if you need something, pop into a gallery, look at few pictures and say “Interesting” and then ask the staff about how you could get what you need.
3. Everyone in the Jardin speaks English so they can guide you to whatever you want to buy.
4. Go the Biblioteca. They have a program that matches you to a Spanish speaker who wants to speak English. Once matched then voila you have your own San Miguel Guide. They work for nothing and all you have to give them is a few expression in English.

Heaven appears to be wherever you buy real estate. In San Miguel the realization you are in heaven takes about one week. By the end of the first week of your visit to San Miguel you have bought real estate.

Why does it only take a week San Miguel to know you are in Heaven. The answer is obvious - The Gangs. They only need a weak (sic) or a pair of Combat Cocktail Sandals or a Good Deed to convince TOURISTS they are in Heaven and get them into a Bienes Raices. It is sort of like the Moonies used to be.

But there are competing heavens in Mexico - Pátzcuaro, Mazatlan, Ajijic, Corazon de Durazno, Morelia , anywhere in Michoacan, Chapala Tzurumutaro (only 4 gringos), Zirahuen, and Erongaricuaro, Belize (outside of Mexico) AND (the list of Heavens will grow). In fact many of the competing heavens believe that San Miguel is Hell. “I wouldn’t want to live THERE. It isn’t authentic enough for me.”

So you can divide Mexico into two Heavens camps - San Miguel de Allende and All Places That Aren’t San MIguel de Allende. The logic changes depending where you have bought real estate. If you live in Pátzcuaro then the world is Pátzcuaro and All Places That Aren’t Pátzcuaro. It is a bit like home teams e.g. Boston and the Red Sox.

So does it take longer than a week to find Heaven in Pátzcuaro or Mazatlan? For those of you outside of Heaven please leave a comment to tell us about Heaven where you live.

However there is envy in All Places That Aren’t San MIguel de Allende that it only takes a week for people to buy a house and hence raise the value of your own property. Many in those places do not talk kindly of San Miquel de Allende. Perhaps they don’t have Gangs or the Gangs are not as well organized or they have found another purpose for their lives.

If you hear the words “Let’s meet for drinks at Happy Hour at Harry’s or Mama Mia’s or some other Centro Bar”, be prepared for your world to disassemble.

Too much alcohol and age are a dangerous combination. Imagine your grandmother stumbling drunk through the Jardin. Imagine your great uncle feeling frisky with one of the waitresses. Imagine the power gang members have when a senior citizen is in his or her cups and vulnerable.

Those Gangs that can’t recruit members with Gang Colors, or with creative clothing, or with promises of no more loneliness use Happy Hour to make your theirs.

The following is a Review of San Miguel from Trip Advisor

We enjoyed going to Lefty and Poncho on Mesones 99 for coffee and desert. (No Visa)I am sure there are others but we really enjoyed eating at Tio Lucas on Mesones 103. The T bone steak was fantastic, happy hour 5-8, Music at 9, they speak English and take Visa. Romanos, on Hernandez Macias 93, was a great Italian resturant, upstairs, outback or inside. Food was more than enough. Happy hour all day, No Visa. Agave on Mesones 80 was another great place to eat. Happy hour, music and Visa. A great place for snacks in the afternoon was the Library (Biblioteca Publica) on Insurgentes. Buy the newspaper there, the Attencion, it has a schedule of what is going on for the week. Paper comes out on Friday. Snack bar, bathrooms, gift shop, movies, and tours, the Library is a nice place to spend some time and rest.

After Happy Hour you might find yourself waking up some morning wearing nothing but a bedspread and a new purpose in life.

While in San Miguel, a lady from Bayfield,Ontario,  kept telling me to look at THEIR feet. I didn’t because I thought she had a shoe fetish and didn’t want to start the conversation. Besides to me the purpose of a shoe is to gets you from A to B. Little did I know until I got a comment on the Blog from Emily that she was right about the feet. Emily  told me about the San Miguel Cocktail Combat Sandal.

A quick search of the internet led me to a source that confirms their existence and actually sells them. I then had to go back through my pictures and lo and behold there they were.

Further research revealed that The San Miguel Shoe was the creation of Santiago Gallardo Muniz, who created the shoes so that rich art patrons in San MIguel would not fall on the cobblestone streets and be unable to buy their daily art dose while they recovered. His wife Martha was behind his discovery.

These shoes identify you as someone from San Miguel and there even seems to be a cult founded by this woman who made this comment

When I wear mine it is not uncommon for women to stop me and ask me where I got them

When I found this quote then I knew why they wear them. I had forgotten about women and shoes. Shoes are the portal to the soul. They are recruitment tools. Look at my feet and you are mine. Women will do anything to wear comfortable shoes that look good - even join a gang.

Another clue was the word Combat - a gang term if I ever heard one.

In fact there are newer shoes that make fighting even easier.

Early maps of the world put dragons to indicate unexplored parts of the world. They were warnings that no one knew what lay beyond the known edges of the world. There are dragons all around San Miguel. There places up the hill such as Atascadero that can only be reached by donkey or a Mercedes. There are places in the campo such as Los Frailes that are rumored to be US refugee centres. There are places called Gated Communities and it is not clear if the gates are to keep people out or keep people in.

The average visitor to San Miguel never goes near the places marked with Dragons but spends their day in the Jardín, sitting and looking and waiting.

This picture show the front of the Jardín where you can sit and not look at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. It is here that the Gangs come and go.

What Happens in the Jardin

Life begins in San Miguel on Friday. This the is day Atención comes out and lays out the activities for the week. Atención is published by the Atención Gang. It tells Gang members What to do and Where to Go. A typical day involves walking the dog, then a cafe, then a good sit on a bench. Then some talk about real estate or how terrible it is that Starbucks opened.

For the rest of the day until evening each Gang does its own thing such as setting up tables to spread the word, or suggesting other places in Mexico to live, capturing a Love Slave, buying books, shopping, making Mexican Friends,  being busy, buying art, taking art classes or what even mission the Gang Mama’s have set for the day. The evenings are devoted to ART - a play, a muscial performance, a reading, a musical comedy, a lecture. Here is an excerpt from May 9 Atención describing the merriment that is going to happen after that first cocktail.

Lamine Thiam dazzles at Café concert
By Kennedy Poyser May 9, 2008 San Miguel de Allende

Concert
African Music Night
Lamine Thiam
Wed, May 14, 7pm
Café Santa Ana
Biblioteca Pública
Reloj 50A
100 pesos, incl. first cocktail

Workshop
Africana Danza
Mon–Fri, May 12–16, 8–9:30pm
El Sindicato
Recreo 4
044 (415) 119-3402

Concert-goers at the San Miguel event are warned that Thiam is still just as persuasive. Probably everyone in the Café will be dancing within the first 30 minutes, and never mind if they’ve never given the least thought to West African rhythm. It’s irresistible.

Imagine all the fun you would have. Life in San Miguel is one art adverture after another until you go to bed fully arted out.

WHY GANGS HAPPENED

In his book Art and San Miguel Gang Psychology, Donald Watson says

“When women first pick up a paint brush, or silver wire or glass cutters, or a pen to write in San Miguel, an inner voice that has been stilled for so many years starts to speak. It tells them they are CREATIVE. They rush home and begin to see their home in a different way. They see it as a source for CREATIVITY and a source to help them EXPRESS themselves. So the rugs, drapes, table coverings, bedspreads, curtains, towels, dishrags, table runners around the house soon disappear from the house and appeared as CREATIVE clothing.”

When Donald looked around San Miguel he found that the Instituto Allende, the Bellas Artes and the Biblioteca were the three most important places for awakening that CREATIVE inner voice.

The first household item wearers in San Miguel were brave pioneers who suffered mightly from snickers in the Jardin. But as their numbers grew and the gangs formed the snickers turned to whispers. Now women can walk freely and proudly in the Jardin wearing whatever they found that morning on the floor or on the wall or in linen closet. They welcome your stares and pictures because they believe you are honoring their CREATIVITY.

But not all gangs sprang from unleashing the CREATIVE inner voice. The Classic Gang sprang from their husband, ex-husband or late husband’s open wallet. ART to this group was not something you did but something your bought. They came to San Miguel to buy. They started with FABULOUS houses. Then one day in 1994 Missy Craigthorne noticed that some of the shabbily dressed people in San Miguel were carrying canvasses. She followed them to the Instituto Allende and had her mystical moment. They were ARTISTS. Out came her husband’s wallet and she bought her first piece of ART. Word spread throughout town that the shabby people had nice stuff to sell. Within a week there was no art left in town.

But the Gamay family recognized an open wallet when they saw one and in 2001 opened

Finally women of substance had a place to go and spend their days and their money.

Gangs for the Less Creative and Less Wealthy

“If you paint it they will come”, that wonderful line from the movie Hills of Dreams was so true in San Miguel.  They did come in droves but not all were wealthy nor artists nor creative.  For a long time they were the lost ones in San Miguel.  They sat in the Jardin looking for purpose until Henry Bolton created the now famous Doing Good Works Gang. Now there was something for those with less artistic ability and wealth.

Sometimes it goes wrong in San Miguel. While you might doubt if you could go too far in San Miguel, this gang is proof that it is possible. Early gang activity in San Miguel was benign: a simple tablecloth worn over the shoulder, dressing from head to toe in blue, getting a facelift, wearing a red hat or saving a dog. But some people are not content with understatement. They want to be seen. They want to make a difference. They want the full experience. Hence the Clown Gang.

They are in your face honking their horns. They are playing tricks on tourists (an easy target). They are sitting beside you in the Jardin giggling. They are spilling pozole beside you in a restaurant. They are buying up all the Atencions. Despite the name, they aren’t much fun because they demand your attention.

There is a movement afoot in town to drive them away like the grackles were driven from the Jardin but until it happens, the best advice is not to make eye contact or engage them.

But remember too much rouge doesn’t make you a clown. You might think that the person beside you is a clown but it might be a woman who simply doesn’t understand the rules of makeup.

At the far end of the Gang Spectrum lies the Cheap Gang. For whatever reason this gang can neither afford to buy art nor take art classes. This gang is about the bargain. You know you are talking to a member of the Cheap Gang when they ask “What did you pay for that?” and then they tell you where they can buy it cheaper.

Another favorite topic of conversation is talking about places where you can eat for 25 cents or less.

HABITAT

It is difficult to find the habitat of members of the Cheap Gang. Being Cheap and Real Estate expensive, they will only rent. Below are two ads from Atención can you figure out which apartment would be rented by a member of the Cheap Gang.

Apartments

APTS. PLENTY OF WATER. Mo. USD$400. Completely furn. Utilities included. 21 color cable TV. No deposit. 3 blocks Jardín. No Phone. [9-May/6]

CHEAP APARTMENT. USD$15 a month. No furniture, no phone, no shower, no fridge, no doors. Bathroom and kitchen shared with fun Mexican family of 15. Great view of Jose’s backyard. Comes with lots of barking dogs and crowing roosters. [2-May/6]

CHEAP GANG CLOTHES

This Gang breaks all the clothing rules. Their calling is the Art of saving money. So the tag line to anything they wear is “I only paid 20 <lower the amount the better> pesos for this. Where do they find clothes that cheap — The Tuesday Market. Here they can buy there clothes for 10, 20 and 30 pesos. They have learned to be careful as some of the clothes are used and a few come with children.

.

Food

Most food by the Cheap Gang is bought at the Tuesday Market. Mega and Gigante are dirty words. Notice that the finger pointing indicates she can’t speak any Spanish.

PETS

Most members of the Cheap Gang don’t own dogs. They find it expensive to feed them so they like to own pets that they can eat when they are bored with them. Here is a very popular Tuesday Market Vendor holding the most popular Cheap Gang pet in San Miguel - the chicken.

Not content to produce just bad art, many gang members unleash their creative muse by self publishing Self Help Books in San Miguel. You can find these books in a secret book shop on Jesus and watch gang members read.

To see more details you must click on the picture twice. The first click brings up the picture and the second click enlarges it. When the picture is open use the sliding sidebars to see all the book details. You will be surprised to see all that has been written.

The Nimby Gang (Not In My Back Yard) is one of the oldest gangs in San Miguel. This Gang wants to keep San Miguel as it was when they arrived. The most recently Gang Activity was protesting the opening of Starbucks in the Jardin

Here is an Letter to the Editor of the Atencion expressing the NIMBY point of view

Please keep the Jardin/Centro free of commercial business and familiar looking signage which distracts from the historic and Mexican flavor of our wonderful town. We fully support Joy Emery’s fine February 22nd letter to you indicating her disappointment in the announcement of a Starbuck’s Coffee House on the Jardin’s perimeter. Where is our historic police force, INAH, in this important decision? A better location would be near Gigante, Mega or the newly announced Wal-Mart Store. My experience with Starbuck’s in California and particular, San Francisco, is that their locations become a major pedestrian traffic jam and their customers use the facilities as a second office (cell phones, computers, etc.). Let’s not disrupt the existing businesses in the Centro with yet another major competitor. The next thing we know, Peet’s Coffee will want equal billing across the Jardin, to be followed up with a Chili’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, etc. Slow down the growth! We recognize the financial impact to San Miguel but not at the expense of its charm and reputation.

Change is a terrible thing but some people who move to San Miguel think it is going to stay just they way it was when they arrived. This is the way they want San Miguel to look

Every Friday a little newspaper is published in San Miguel called Atencion.

It is sold on the street, at the Biblioteca and in various location in town. But look carefully at what is in it as it gives powerful clues to who really runs San Miguel and the Gangs. Gangs in San Miguel need direction. Left to their own devices they congregate in groups in the Jardin and chatter about Real Estate.

But once the Atención is out then they know what to do for the next week. The purpose of the Atencion is to tell people what to do and where to go. Look carefully at the words under Que Pasa. Atencion runs the Matrix of San Miguel. This is not a conspiracy theory but the truth.

The week is laid out for gangs. Almost every minute of the day is planned by the Atención. Every evening has one or more “ARTY” events like a play, singsong or poetry reading. Without Atención there would be nothing to do in San MIguel. But wait there is even more. The last part of the paper is full of REAL ESTATE listings. Real Estate is the Holy Grail of all Gangs except those on Social Security.

The Navajo Indian Tribe believe that if you take a picture of them then you have taken their soul. They are not alone in this believe as evidence by this picture.

The Roman Soldier in this picture was part of the Juan de Dios Celebration in March. But look behind him and see a member of the Soul Capturer Gang. She believes she can capture someone’s soul with a picture. In the past she has taken the soul of a Sorcerer, a Clown, a Lady from the Red/Purple Hat Gang and Hillary Clinton. They are now part of who she is. And now she wants the soul of a Roman Soldier. Perhaps she wants his helmet or cute skirt or knee high socks.

Look in the Jardin, soon to see what part of his soul she took.

Gracias to Jenny Formanek for the picture.  Hillary was still a candidate at the time this picture was taken.

There is a danger from taking Spanish at Warren Hardy or other Spanish schools. You start to be able to read the signs in San Miguel.

This sign has kindly been translated by a Level 1 Warren Hardy graduate. The words sabado and domingo are the names of the people who own the Instituto Allende and don’t need to be translated.