What is really need for us Pátcuaro Area Gangs is a professional Shopping Service. Then we wouldn’t have to risk our lives and SUVs going to Morelia to Costco* or Wal-Mart. It would be even better if we could do the ordering from the comfort and security of our homes by Internet. Someone needs to avail themselves of this Golden Business Opportunity and get it going.

*Have you ever tried to get a slice of pizza at the Costco snack bar on a busy Sunday afternoon? Forget about it! And, all those Mexican pizza eaters putting mayonnaise and ketchup on their pizza! I can hardly think about it without getting queasy.

Interesting juxtaposition though - how many thousand gringos live in Chapala? There are four living in Tzurumúturo at last count, or five if you count the only other English-speaker I know…if you count like the locals: a lighter-skinned Mexican with a US passport.

Thanks for the information on areas outside San Miguel. You have answered a question often asked in San Miguel about whether or not there is life outside of San Miguel and have confirmed rumors that outside of San Miguel live the Republicans.

Your life sounds hard but lower real estate prices hmmmm.

We Morelianos can usually spot the Patzcuarenses when they hit the Big City. They almost always limit their driving to Walmart or Costco, taking a cab if they must venture into Gotham. The NIMBYs can be seen loading their shopping carts at Walmart to the gills, as if stocking up in case of famine. Wide-eyed at Morelia’s many marvels, Patzcuarenses are known for coming to town early and rushing about so the can make their way home before the sun sets. Maybe they have cows to milk.

A subgang of the Patzcuarenses are those who live in the exurbs of Tzurumutaro, Zirahuen, and Erongaricuaro. They usually have some mud on their tires, are more likely to drive 4WD vehicles and even trucks. They can range from the gentleman farmer who dresses particularly well for a jaunt into the City to those nibbling on straw plucked from one of the many bales in the back of the pickup.

Patzcuarenses think Morelianos have an attitude which rivals Poblanos. And for good reason: we do. Or we do, and for good reason.

Michoacán is not Heaven on Earth. Life here is arduous, and we suffer greatly. We have no English-language newspaper, the English-language literary offerings at Sanborns are limited six copies of the last three Tom Clancy novels, mail must be delivered by the Mexican postal service, and we have no choice but to speak Spanish all the time. Even restaurant menus are in Spanish. We have no charities comprised solely or even primarily of native English-speakers, extremely limited opportunities to be entertained by itinerant guitarists who’ve come all the way from Oklahoma, and hardly any poetry readings or vegetarian yoga classes. Not only do we have to put on copious amounts of makeup and dress well when we go to Starbucks, we have to suffer the indignity of valet parking. Just buying groceries is not an easy proposition when you first have to decide whether to buy from Costco, Superama, Walmart, Comercial Mega, Soriana, or Sam’s. We don’t have all of those gourmet treats available at the snap of a finger; bringing a Butterfinger or a Heath bar or even a single stick of red licorice as a hostess gift will be regarded the equivalent of a bottle of real expensive French wine. Foreigners in this part of the country are actually expected to get permission from the government in order to engage in remunerative activities. Don’t get me started on real estate: even though we do have indoor plumbing, ours isn’t worth as much as that in San Miguel de Allende.

Just as the Patzcuarenses look up to us Morelianos with respect and awe, we look up San Miguelenses as the rich folks. Artistes, intellectuals, politically sensitive those folks in San Miguel are. We don’t have clubs for the Democratic Party and other liberal pursuits, because we don’t need to. If we’re not libertarian, we’re Republican. Sometimes we’re both at the same time.

Only in recent years has the San Miguel Sandal become available in Morelia, but we still lack the indigenous clothing selection available in San Miguel. It’s with no small measure of pride that we announce, in the same tones reserved for mentioning that you picked up this little item on North Michigan Ave., that we bought something in San Miguel besides broccoli. You see, it wasn’t so many years ago that San Miguel was the closest place for a body living in Morelia to buy that unmentionable healthy green stuff.

There may be some good reason that Morelia’s International Airport (MLM) is situated less than thirty minutes from town. The luxury of contemplating for an hour and a half over rugged terrain whether to fly away on jet plane would be just too exciting. We can be whisked off to Houston faster than San Miguelenses can reach BJX.