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Cougars in the Jardin
They say that women outnumber men in San Miguel by a ratio of 6 to 1.
The standard joke is that most males in San Miguel are either married, going home on Tuesday or gay.
The married ones are usually easy to spot with a wedding band and you never see those going home on Tuesday again but the gay ones pose a problem to the Cougars of the Jardin. To the male deprived women of San Miguel, it often never occurs to many of them, that the man in their viewfinder might be gay.
One of the great sports in the Jardin is to watch a Cougar target a gay man. She almost shakes in anticipation of fresh meat – a new soulmate. She circles her pray and then zeroes in for the kill. Plastic surgery has already made her eyes wide open but she uses whatever muscle is left to flirt and engage. She begins the dance and all eyes focus on her, waiting for that moment when the shoe drops and she realizes he isn’t married nor going home on Tuesday but Category Three . At that moment she knows the humiliation, she now faces, by all those who knew what she didn’t know. She is now, the Laughing Stock of the Jardin.
At the core of this humiliation is the failure to understanding the male spectrum of sexuality and a bit of homophobia.
The Male Spectrum
For the Cougar, Gay Men look like Male 1 and Straight Men look like Male 2. The Cougar lacks Gaydar – the intuitive ability to assess someone’s sexual orientation. To be honest, this is complicated by the phenomena of the metrosexual – a heterosexual with a strong concern for their appearance, and/or a lifestyle that displays attributes stereotypically related to gay men.
He might seem gay but be straight or he might seem straight but be gay. It is this dilemma puts the Cougar at risk of humiliation.
If you were Cougar which group would you hunt?
Prey
It is not easy being a Cougar. It is a minefield of humiliation and wasted time.
The post on the Betty Complex Gang identifies some of the difficulty distinguishing between that Gang, The Lesbian Gang and Men Who Look like Old Lesbians Gang. One easy way is to ask about birds or say “Aren’t men idiots”. If their eyes light up you got the Betty Complex Gang. But the Gay Gang is tricky.
The Shoulder Spectrum
Sometimes clues are generally a giveaway – a loosely tossed sweater
Male Jewelry
Or too much jewelry will give it away but again it could be a metrosexual.
________________________________________________
The Rainbow Bag
Is this man carrying a rainbow bag or simply be a straight guy who doesn’t know that the rainbow has been appropriated by gays
_______________________________
Unavailable
This one is a real test of gaydar. Wedding band and hand on hip.
Just a minute, this is not really a test, as each says unavailable and probably Canadian.
Life is so difficult for a Cougar.
Okay an easy one, is the word Faaaaabbbuuulous. Only gay men and women in the Classic Gang use that word with all the extra vowels and consonants or if the sibilant s. If you hear an S in banana you can be pretty sure that the guy is gay. But that is the easy stuff.
There really is no easy way for Cougar to avoid humiliation and on some level the hunting instinct goes deep.
NOTE:
One of the top searches on the Web that points to this blog is Gay Bars in San Miguel. San Miguel does have a large gay population but it is completely integrated into San Miguel because there are so many liberals in San Miguel. There is no real Gay subculture in San Miguel, well there is late night cruising in the Jardin. As a result there are no gay bars nor the need for one.
If a person has to identify who is gay and who is not in San Miguel, then they don’t really belong in San Miguel unless the purpose of the identification is to cross them off the list of eligible men.
You’re just describing idiots in general–the people, yes. I am merely seeking an exit from America-the-hideous and respite from my compatriots: the opinionated fools,
the failed consumer-driven capitalism that is forcing people like me–who cannot afford to live in the States, where women’s health-care is going to be non-existent, where I feel like a stranger in a strange land–to relocate. I’ve been totally blown-away by what you justifiably call *neo-colonialism*, how the kinds of peeps I’ve just described are fleeing with the dollars that afford them nothing in the States to SA, Canada and certain parts of Europe, where the dollar actually buys them something and puts a roof over their head. I am in danger of losing that here in California, of losing everything. And I don’t blame you at all for hating the influx of assholes. I’ve never lived in a foreign country, I am not a traveler–the last time I had to fly a year ago was one of the worst experiences of my life. And I don’t want to impinge on the lives of San Miguel’s people. You know, I think I feel the way the same way you do about California–yanqui go home, back to Alabama and New York. FWIW, I’ve spent a big portion of my life working at the racetrack, on horse/cattle ranches and in orchards and onion-fields, I’m no ugly, spoiled American–I’m a good-looking, hard-working bitch.
LOL… I did find this post on a search for “gay life in San Miguel de Allende.”
That said, the guy with the rainbow bag is not gay. No self-respecting gay man with grey hair wears a short pony tail. Mr. Rainbow Bag is carrying it for another reason, probably because he doesn’t give a shit.
As for metrosexuals, they don’t make life any easier for gay men either. Here in DF there is an increasing (and unattractive) trend for young men to have their eyebrows as severely plucked and shaped as those of their sisters. Most of them are straight, but don’t look it at first glance.
Soon gay men will be just as frustrated as your hapless cougar.
Kim G
Boston/DF
Very funny stuff. the same could be said about Santa Barbara.
“Plastic surgery has already made her eyes wide open.” You are a hoot.
That may be a rainbow bag up north, but down here it´s a standard-issue shopping bag, Mexican-style. I have one, and so do hordes of others.
A nurse, a hearse, a purse and a shave. MOST WOMEN HATE THOSE SANTACLAUSES.
All the men in San Miguel need a nurse, a hearse or a purse.