On a recent cruise I watched a couple take pictures of themselves in front of every tourist site they visited.

But my most favourite activities is taking film of Photographers caught in their creative moment.

Film credit: Catherine Payette

Tlaloc was an important deity of rain and fertility of the Aztec mythology. Aztec people were living in Mexico during the fifteenth and sixteenth century. Tlaloc was pictured as a man wearing a net of clouds, a crown of heron feathers, foam sandals and carrying rattles to make thunder. Tlaloc brought on great wrath upon the Aztec people. He often used his lightning bolts to make the people sick. It is said that he had four different jugs of water in his possession. When he emptied the first one, it brought life to plants. The second would cause blight, the third brought on frost, and the fourth would bring total destruction by allowing foreigners to buy real estate in Mexico.

So behind the running joke in San Miguel that you come on a holiday to San Miguel and within a week have purchased a home there – is the God Tlaloc. He works in strange way. This sign has again been translated by a Level 1 Warren Hardy graduate

There are temples to Tlaloc called them Bienes Raices. Since he is such a powerful god in San Miguel he has many temples. Here are some signs that can point you to him.

To disguise their real purpose Bienes Raices are often combined with other business opportunities such as Real Estate and Ice Cream, or Real Estate and Jewelry or Real Estate and Salsa Dancing or Real Estate and Knives.

But Tlaloc is a clever God and knows the heart of all foreigners. This statement found on a real estate site reveals why foreigners really buy real estate.

Your investment is secure, because the properties increase their value a minimum of 20 % every year. Real Estate in San Miguel is a Real Solid business!

Who can resist the lure of San Miguel, safe in the knowledge that you can’t lose.

Finding the right name takes time but in the meantime you can start plaquing by putting up this sign. Someone from the Translator Gang said it meant Welcome This House is Mine not Yours.

The next step until the special name is found, is choosing a sign with numbers on it. Many Gang members are shocked and pleased to see signs in English for sale in Mexico such as this one.

Looking for the right name takes time and care. In choosing a house find a name that sounds romantic in Spanish. The worst naming technique is to use your last name. It makes your house sound like a bar.

To avoid the last name ego thing, name your house after your favorite vegetable or fruit or bird. Another way is to think of a comfy word such as Nest. This method is good but the downside is that you end up with an English word that requires translation. Once translated, a trip made to Dolores Hidalgo to get the plaque made in Talavera pottery all that is needed is to nail it to your house and now your Casa now has a name that people can read.

But be very careful in choosing a translator. Foreigners find great delight in substituting swear words for common words and expressions when asked “How do you say?” Instead of translating “Please may I try on those pants” they will teach you “Please pull down your pants” and hope they are about when you try this expression. The owner of this house has yet to discover the downside of using someone wicked.

And not all words translate easily. Some naive lady in Ajijic can’t understand why local snicker when they walk by her house and don’t understand her love of making Calzones.

A foolproof way to find a house name is to use what is called a Spanish English Dictionary or in some cases an English Spanish Dictionary. These are sold in bookstores and translate English words into Spanish and Spanish words into English. They are used by school children. When you have your book turn to the section that has words you don’t understand and find one that speaks to you. What is amazing about these books is that you don’t need a translator as the meaning of the word in English will be right there. This method of house naming results in names you won’t see from the vegetable, fruit, bird, comfy method. But remember you at least look at the English word to see if it is appropriate. A security minded woman thought she had a good house name

Another rule of house naming is to never say the name of your house into English even if you know the name. Once you say the word in English then the spell will be gone and it will sound a bit silly. Telling people you live in the Nest House or the House of Birds or the House of Pomegranites or the Little House of Songbird. Oh yes Joe and I live in the House of Small Parrots or the following.

Most people won’t know you live in the House of Pancakes because they can’t speak Spanish or don’t own or know how to use a Spanish English Dictionary.

There is only one way to use your house name. At first Gang members try to work the name of their Casa into a conversation

Come visit me at Casa Viva

But people soon learn that using house names aren’t particularly helpful in giving directions. Imagine telling a taxi driver

Take me to Casa Agave.

The blank stare won’t be helped when you add

Oh it is by Casa Preciosa.

The most standard use of house names is to incorporate them into your Address and make it part of your personalized Stationary

Donna and Tom Burgess
Casa Zanahorias
Calle Norte 12
San Miguel de Allende, GTO

But the real reason for a house name is to use it when you rent your Casa. Imagine the delight your renter feels when they know they are renting Casa Bugamblia or Casa Latidah.

Casa Carino

Dream Castle

7 Bedroom suites, 6 kings, 1 with twins

$10,200 per week, $34,000 per month

______________________________

Credit for the idea to Gina.

Everyone who comes to Mexico started off as a Tourist and Tourists make mistakes. The most common mistake is buying something in Mexico, taking it home, sobering up, realizing it looked quite different in Mexico and unloading it at a garage sale. When they return to Mexico and in particular to San Miguel and the AWAKENING occurs they know they will never make that mistake again or ever become “The Person who Bought That”.

But the AWAKENING is not the same for all who come to San Miguel. For some strange reason, it is not Guidebooks nor Lost and Found in San Miguel that causes the AWAKENING but the Power Parrot

For some, once they purchase this cute little parrot and give it cute little Mexican name the AWAKENING occurs. They realize not only can they own a house, but they can now decorate their complete house for under 200 pesos. This Power Parrot will lead them to discover others. This Gang forms not in El Jardin but in the Tourist Shops of San Miguel. They know when they see a Tourist holding the POWER PARROT, and not snickering, then this Tourist is theirs. They start a conversation and suggest the Tourist buy this

Who can resist another set of Wind Chimes with a sun, moon and stars theme? There can never be enough clanging in the backyard. With purchase two, this Gang will soon have a new member.

This Gang is unlike all the other Gangs. It is completely unaware of the existence of other gangs in San Miguel. Collecting what they call Mexican Folk Art occupies their whole day. They have no time for the Jardin. They don’t read Atención because it never showcases their Art Form. One look at the prices in an Art Gallery and they know one purchase would shoot their decorating budget for ten years. They can tell at a glance the kind of person who would buy those items which no else would ever buy.

However this Gang, is known to all the other Gangs and really has two names. They call themselves the Mexican Folk Art Gang while the rest of San Miguel call them the Who’d Buy That Gang. It is considered the lowest level Gang. A favorite expression in San Miguel is “You know who would buy that?” followed by gales of laughter.

To avoid making purchases that would get you cast into the Who’d Buy That Gang, members of every other gang are given the Top Ten No Buy List. The purchase and display of any item on the list would lead to expulsion from your gang, banishment to the Mexican Folk Art Gang, and years and years of shame.

Top Ten No Buy List

So here is what must avoided.
1. Onyx Bookends in any form. These are dangerous and several have been featured as weapons on Law and Order. In fact one single, lonely male resident in San Miguel met his untimely end when the bookcase over his bed collapsed and an Aztec God Onyx bookened landed on his head. Well that is what his executrix said before she sold his art collection.

2. Aztec Calendars. Few, who display these in their house, refer to any day as the Fourth of Hueytozoztli or the Ninth of Quecholli. But turn a Mayan Calendar into a clock and you are on the list of those to shun.

3. Pre Columbian Art Reproduction. Put the words Pre and Reproduction together and this gang is on it. Pre means old and Reproduction means cheap.

4. Sequined Mexican Sombreros. Art is great art when it can serve two functions – Wall Filler and Party Clothes. Imagine being able to take something off the wall, put it on your head and go to a Fiesta. This gang calls this Functional Art. The rest of San Miguel calls it Avoidance Art.

5. Talavera Everything. The source of Talavera Pottery is Dolores Hildago. Its proximity to San Miguel means the ability to fill a house at discount prices. But Talavera is addictive. It starts with a small serving dish, then larger bowls, then a complete dinner serrvice, and then the Talavera Sink. Several gang members have been forced by their spouses to join the Talavera Recovery Group following the purchase of the following item and spousal refusal to do any business in it.

6. The Problematic Frida Kahlo. There is a fine line between Frida the Icon of Feminists and Frida the Elvis of Mexico. Drawing that line is impossible for this gang. Anything with Frida on it is golden. But be warned if you see this bamboo curtain covering a door. Open the curtain and you know that you will soon be entering Decorating Hell.

7. Sun, Moon and Eclipse These Gangs live in a land of many moons and suns.

8. The Circle of Friends. The concept is good but when you see it holding a channel changer you know whose house you are in.

9 . Rustic, rustic, rustic. It’s a look…if you own a ranch numbering more that 40 hectares, you cannot call yourself both cosmopolitan and describe every piece of furniture in your casa as “rustic”. If the majority of your furniture is worm eaten, the doors won’t shut, and wobbles, some editing is required. Sure, it is (VERY) exciting buying a 12 drawer dresser for $299 US, but will the drawers shut? Ever?

10. Corn Husk and Paper Flowers in every available vase. Real flowers are expensive and die. But these are cheap and last forever. Imagine the joy of finding some, discarded after a party among the empty wine bottles and half eaten canapes.

Credits:
Deb Hall of Zocalo Folk Art in San Miguel was kind enough to provide me all the ideas and sources for this post. She must be congratulated for creating this definitive list to help anyone in San Miguel avoid being considered part of the Mexican Folk Art Gang. As an exclusive, I was able to get a picture of her house and this comment

And here’s a photo of our house. I may be the WORST offender of all.

A member of the Spiritual Gang has been dispatched to Deb’s house.

To be a Good Tourist you need to follow these simple rules.

A Good Tourist

Language Rules

• expects that no one will speak English
• learns a few expressions such as Thank You and Good Morning in the language of the country they are visiting
• always carries a phrase book
• says No hablo Español and not Do you speak English?
• apologizes for not speaking the language and is very grateful when someone does speak English
• sees every encounter with a local as an opportunity to practice Spanish

Food Rules

• eats whatever is put in front of them without complaint
• is willing to try almost all items on a menu
• never expects English menus
• uses the phrase book to translate the menu
• never wipes the table in a restaurant with a serviette before they eat
• know when it is appropriate to eat ice and when it isn’t
• is willing to try food from street stalls and vendors

Money and Commerce Rules

• always exchanges their dollars for the local currency
• would never extend their hand full of local coins to let the vendor pick out the right change
• tries to avoid paying with a credit card so that the local merchant doesn’t have to pay a fee
• haggles enough to show they understand the process

General Behaviour Rules

• never makes comments out loud about what they don’t like
• tries never to judge the quality of what is before them
• accepts the noise as part of where they are
• never criticizes what they are experiencing as inferior to what they have at home

How to Treat Locals Rules

• always asks permission to take a picture of a local
• smiles at locals
• does not intrude into the lives of locals unless invited
• does not lecture children who beg about why they aren’t in school

Bad Tourists

These rules are simply good manners and Bad Tourists do the exact opposite. The Bad Tourist exists everywhere. They are easier to identify when they speak your language as you can understand what they say and know they are a Bad Tourist. Everyone has their own stories of The Bad Tourist.

Bad Tourist Stories were the cause of the Smug Gang. One day while sitting quietly in the Jardin, Tom Jordan and John Morgan overheard one Bad Tourist talking to another Bad Tourist about THESE PEOPLE…. Tom smiled at John and so began the first Shared Bad Tourist story. The next day they were talking to Miriam Waddington in the Jardin and told her their Shared Bad Tourist. She responded with a Tsk Tsk and told her own Bad Tourist story. As often happens with Bad Tourist stories there is a competitive element of the Worst Bad Tourist Story, so Tom and John decided to hold a Bad Tourist Story Night. Each person would share their most recent or best Bad Tourist Story and revel in their own sense of knowing how to be a Good Tourist. The Smug Gang had begun.

This group is not about colors or clothing but about the Story. In fact there are several Gangs that are about the story. The Too Many Gringo Gang, I Wouldn’t Want to Live There Gang and I Assimilated Gang are all variations on the Good Tourist/Bad Tourist Story. Sometimes it is a Good Gringo/Bad Gringo Story or a Good Expat/Bad Expat Story but the story line is always the same-  the clueless and the clued.

The Bad Tourist is always insensitive, unaware, and ethnocentric. The Bad Tourist is caught in a Disney warp.  Since they don’t live there, then they believe that it isn’t a real place.  It is a Tourist Attraction staffed by actors and/or employees with funny accents.  The Bad Tourist always compares where they are with home and finds it wanting. The Bad Tourist speaks (and will always only speak) English and only carries US dollars and credit cards. The Bad Tourist is loud and demanding and critical.

Members of the Smug Gang are always sensitive, aware and multicultural.  The Smug Gang is caught in the Travel Trap. It started with backpacking in Europe or South America upon graduation from college and continued until they Found Heaven and became that interesting person they always wanted to be.  The Smug Gang always find it better in a foreign country than they do at home – people in other countries are always warmer, friendly, more family oriented, happier, simpler, less driven by money than people at home. The Smug Gang speaks Spanish and several other language. They carry a wallet full of money from other countries. Wherever they are they sit quietly under trees hoping to overhear another Bad Tourist and have another Bad Tourist Story for Bad Tourist Story Night.

Seems they are as judgmental about Bad Tourists as Bad Tourists are about locals but isn’t that what smug is.

Immerse Group vs Warren Hardy

Recruits are sorted into two groups depending on how willing you are to give up talking in English. Those who can’t give up English are put in The Warren Hardy Group . There is already a post on this group. If you can give up English for the length of a class then you are put in The Immerse Group and begin your transition to Translator and Guide.

Taking Spanish Classes

Taking Spanish Classes (TSC) becomes a lifetime activity for this group. There are over 3000 language schools in San Miguel that cater to this group and to Tourists who come to San Miguel to Learn Spanish. Many members take the same course over and over and never realize that it is the same course. They marvel at the ability of Mexican children who seem to learn Spanish effortlessly but one day THE MOMENT occurs when they read their First Sign in Spanish and Translate it for a friend.

They are so proud to say “No, you must go this way. I can read Spanish signs.” So begins the new role of translator

Translation Services

This sign, that was hanging over the door to the Instituto Allende has kindly been translated by a Level 1 Warren Hardy graduate. The words sabado and domingo are the names of the people who own the Instituto Allende and don’t need to be translated.

Translating for the Maid

Life now has purpose. No trip outside of San Miguel will occur without having on board The Translator. The Translator will be brought home to talk to the maid about some new duty she will have to perform. Maids gather daily in Gringo Free Zones to trade stories of what The Translators have said to them. One was told the she needed to wash the baby cow every day, another that she had to stop standing on the bed and another to cook more weeds. Maids love the panicked look on the Translator’s face when they ask a question back in front of their employer and eagerly await the Translator’s response.

Employer: John ask Maria where she put my yellow hat?

Translator: Maria where did you put your employer’s blue hand?

Maria: Are you sure it wasn’t her dog’s toy?

Translator to Employer: She wants to know what you want for dinner tonight

Employer: Tell her I want that Mexican thing with beans and beef wrapped in that tortoise shell

Translater: Maria can you walk two beers and take a photo of the garbage

Maria: Si Si Senor.

Translating Menus

Another role for the Translator is translating menus in restaurants without English Menus. This can be a minefield as one wrong translation and a plate of organs can undo years of Spanish lessons. So most translators choose two authentic restaurants, order everything on the menu and then write down on a piece of paper what it was. eg No. 3 beans, beef, with salad. When asked where to eat some authentic Mexican food they recommend one of the two restaurants but say “You know there is no English Menu.” That will elicit an invitation to dinner and the evening is spent translating the menu. “I think you would like number 5.”

One day, in the Jardin, they will be called over and hear the magic words that justifies moving to San Miguel “Oh ask John, he speaks Spanish”.

Bilingual Children

Liberty in a comment has identified a group you can find in San Miguel – Bilingual Children.  My son has already done a great entry on Multilingual Children on his site Stuff White People Like explaining how these people come to be through design. But there are people born into families where they learn two languages.  (In North America we call them Immigrants).   These people scare residents of San Miguel because they speak English like a native and Spanish like a native.  They have power and are often hired into a Bienes Raices where they can do much damage.

Now the snicker is a tricky thing.  A snicker to one person is a cry for help to another.  Here are four potential San Miguel Snickers.  This is a test of your Snicker Sensibility.

Snicker Test

Which picture or pictures made you snicker and which picture or pictures made you squirm.

Snicker 1 Cowboy hat and shorts that are a bit tight

Snicker 2 Ski poles in the Jardin

Snicker 3 Pole dancer resting – hat and skirt match

Snicker 4 Gay man and dog

The most problematic are Snicker 2 and 4.  If you see a handicapped woman in Snicker 2 then you squirmed and would be offended by a snicker.  If you see homophobia in Snicker 4 then you would be offended by a snicker.

If you have no sense of humor you are offended by any snicker, ever, at anytime, anywhere, by anyone except by a dog..

Now the following picture is really problematic.  Is this a San Miguel Snicker? Or is it simply being cruel. In other words is it a San Miguel Squirm The lesson is, that snickers often lead to moral conflicts.  One man’s snicker is another man’s issue.  At what point is a picture a taunt?

The Dilemma

San Miguel is a moral landmine for those given to snickers.  Every snicker will offend someone.

Snicker or Squirm 1

This is the San Miguel equivalent to driving a Corvette.  For some women a man with a big camera is sexy.

Snicker of Squirm 2

Snicker or Squirm 3

Snicker or Squirm 4

Snicker or Squirm 5

So send me your snicker shots.

Some gangs have taken their colors and identity from the indigenous people of Mexico. The Shaman Gang uses power animals (dogs) to capture Love Slaves.  Sparky is leading his Shaman to a potential Love Slave.

The Shaman uses her power animal (Sparky) to hypnotize a single man into being her love slave