Brownies, Girl Guides, Cubs and Scouts grow up to be the Guides of the Adult World. Their sole purpose in life is to accumulate informaton to help, whether it is wanted or not. This is not the same thing as a Guide Book. Guide Books make suggestions. The Guide Gang makes Pronouncements. They know everything and have tried everything and will tell you what you will like. There are no choices as there are in Guide Books. There is only one choice – the Guides Choice.
Guides are found in many Gangs such as the Foodie Gang where they will tell you the best place to get a Tamale or Pozole.
All Guides are members of the Translator Gang. Their language skills do not exceed their reach. The fact that they don’t really get the flow of the conversation is not a problem as almost all conversations occur in their head. They simply make the conversation match the Guiding Principles of Knowing All.
Guides learn the names of every street vendor in San Miguel whether they are correct or not.
Oh you must buy your hats from Jorge. Jorge, Buenas Tardes.
They have learned that Jorge or whatever his name is, will go along with anything, if a sale can be made. So Jorge pretends he knows the Guide. Being known by street vendors, earns top Guide Marks. The Guide learns the best price for every item in San Miguel so they will bargain for you but they face the Guide Conflict – balancing bargains with maintaining a relationship with the vendor.
Guides will also point out Characters in the Jardin and tell you stories about everyone. They often only know half a story but to a Tourist half a story is better than no story at all and soon for the Tourist these Characters in the Jardin become anecdotes they can tell at home.
There are more stories about this particular Jardin Character than there are cobblestones in San Miguel. Every guide will have a story about who she is and where she came from and all that has happened to her since she moved to San Miguel. Few are true. But truth never stops a Guide from talking. In fact nothing stops a Guide from talking.
Guide spend a lot of time reading the Civil List for information. In fact most of the posters on the Civil List are Guides. Many posters check the Civil List each day to ensure that all information meets the standards of misinformation set by the Guide Gang. Clever Guides will tell you not to read the Civil List to protect their sources. Each Guide keeps a special book at home of all their recommendations (read pronoucement) and review it before heading out to the Jardin.
Another favorite source of Information is Que Pasa in Atençion – the local English/Spanish newspaper. This gives them endless gobs of information about what is happening all over San Miguel and in their minds replaces the need for anyone to to spend eight pesos to buy it . They can tell you the time and place of every event in San Miguel that week.
They know the complete history of Mexico as well as they know the complete history of Bhutan.
They know the names of every famous person who lives in San Miguel and where they live and their maid’s name. This conversation starts with “Did you know that xxx lives here in San Miguel.” If you happen to mention someone, who someone beside the Guide has told you lives in San Miguel, and is someone that the Guide did not know lives there, the response will be “Well, I heard they moved or are never here.”
The Bells of San Miguel
Much fun can be had with Guides and the Bells of San Miguel. . The Bells ring a lot in San Miguel. No doubt there is a reason but Guides all have their own reason and interpretation of the Bell Ringing. Ask any Guide to intepret a particular bell. Then find another Guide and ask them theirs. When you have enough Bell Intepretations, confront one Guide with what another Guide said. Sit back and watch them squirm.
Guide’s Choice Awards
Every Guide will have some place in San Miguel that might or might not be in Guide Books that you must visit for whatever need you have at this particular moment.
The Only Place to Buy Baked Goods and Cheese
Every Guide will tell that there is only one place to buy a product. All other places have problems that the guide will tell you about. The Guide will often tell you, to tell the owner that Guide Donna sent you, knowing full well you can’t speak Spanish
You Must Eat Here List
Every Guide knows the best place to eat anything. Basically they hope you will take them and pay for their meal in gratitude.
Best Brothel in San Miguel
Silly Guide Recommendations
Most Guides aren’t too smart. The need to Guide is much stronger than the need to be correct. The best Ford Dealership in town and the place where gas is the cheapest are two examples of this.
Lastly, the Guides Recommendation for the Best Cemetery in Town
May it soon be full of Guides.