My friend was attacked by a cougar in the Jardin the other day.

He came back quite shaken by the attack so I went on-line to find advice to help him and other men who dare sit in the Jardin.

1. Why Are You Here?

Avoid investigating dark, unknown bars or public spaces, where cougars make their dens, and avoid sporting areas where men hang out as there may be a feeding cougar nearby.

2. You’re Kidding with the Camera, Right?

Leave pictures of cougars to professional wildlife photographers. Many attacks have occurred because someone decided to try to snap a photo in cougar territory. Cougars like all men and they want their picture taken.  It attracts them.

3. Whoa, Mama!

If you see a cougar with a drink leave quickly. A cougar in her cups is not open to negotiation. She will attack if she thinks she thinks you might drink with her

4. Leave No Trace

If you’re sitting in the Jardin, pick up all garbage, newspapers, books, and other materials. Clean up thoroughly after a sit down because it only gives a cougar something to pickup and run after you with something you forgot.

5. Keep a Lookout

As you walk through cougar country, keep an eye out for claw marks or makeup droppings, and note any scratched up men or fresh kills, such as recently widowed men.

6. Don’t Raise a Ruckus,  or Ring a Bell

Some experts recommend not tying a bell to your foot or to make noise if a cougar nears you. Don’t sing or holler at your buddies.  Anything that shows you are alive just attracts cougars.

7. Freeze! Stick ‘Em Up!

Okay, so you’ve spotted a cougar, and the cougar has spotted you. Stop right there, and don’t move. Speak to the cougar in a low, calm voice, and slowly raise your arms up above your head. This makes you appear crazy.­  If this happens follow the next tips carefully

8. Back Off

Clearly, you should try to leave now. Do it slowly and go back from whence you came. Don’t cross the path of the cougar. Just rewind, slowly, and don’t come back.

9. Don’t Run!

The worst thing you could do at this point would be to get out your camera or try to talk to the cougar. The second worst thing you could do would be to run. Cougars run faster than men and they think chasing prey is fun.

10. Hello, Tree

“But cougars can climb trees,” you say. You’re right: some cougars in their 40’s and 50’s, can climb trees. But others, like cougars in their 60’s and 70’s cannot. Either way, if you can get more than 12 feet up into a tree, you should be okay. That’s pretty far up, so this is not your best option.

11. Senior Citizen Cougar? Play Dead!

If a cougar is charging you, you’ve got a couple of less-than-desirable options. The first thing you might try is going into the fetal position and playing dead. This might make you seem vulnerable to the senior citizen cougar and she will sniff you, growl at you, and hopefully leave you alone. Being in the fetal position will also protect your vital organs. IMPORTANT: If you’re dealing with a cougar in her 80’s, do NOT play dead. They’ll be thrilled that the work’s been done for them and will commence undressing you to see your privates!

12. Go Undercover

While you’re in the fetal position, try to put your backpack up on top of you to give you an extra layer of protection.

13. Bang, Bang

If a cougar is charging you and you’ve got a gun, now might be the time to use it. Make sure you’ve got a clean shot because it usually takes more than one bullet to kill a cougar and bad aim will only make her it angrier. This should only be used as a last resort — wrongful killing of a cougar in the United States incurs a hefty fine up to $20,000.

14. Spray, Spray

Many tourist areas don’t allow firearms, so some recommend cougar spray or pepper spray. But beware: If you spray halfheartedly, it will only make the cougar angrier.

15. The Fight of Your Life

Your last option is to fight back with everything you’ve got. There’s really no need to tell you that, at this point, you’re in big trouble. Kick, scream, flail your arms, go for the eyes — do whatever you can because you’re in for the fight of your life.  If all else fails, yell

I’m gay

Modified from How Stuff Works